manda's place

frustration

2008-08-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated. I'm moving soon, but I still don't know when. I have no one to really help me move. This would be a good time to have some decent friends. But, I don't let people into my life very easily. I've been hurt too many times before so I really don't think it's worth it.

I'm also frustrated with work. I don't know what it is but people seriously don't like to help me. I don't understand why. I'm friendly. At least I think so. I'm never mean to anyone. I'm helpful. I make sure I help everyone else out. But when I need help, they take off claiming I don' t need help. *sigh* I hate my job.

And, finally, I'm frustrated and confused with this year. This is my final year in college. Finally. But everyone keeps asking me what I want to do after I graduate. And I have no idea. My family keeps saying I need to figure it out soon. It isn't an easy decision! I don't know what I want to do. I don't know where I want to go and what I want to be. All I know is I'm passionate about the environment. Where to go from there? No idea.

Why do things have to be so complicated?

update

2008-07-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I suppose I should update this thing since I haven't in months. I'm still alive. I haven't been in a big blogging mood as of late. There isn't too much to talk about. I'm still in debt. I'm still in college. I'm still a housekeeper. I did get a new phone. I bought new cages for my hamsters and rats. But, other than that, life is still boring.

I will be moving out of this place in August and moving to a single room apartment. I would like to live along for some time. Having a roommate is just...annoying. I love my roomy, but I need my own space.

I've recently gotten very addicted to webcomics. I would post the ones I read here...but I read at least 30 of them. The artists are amazing, as well as their storylines. I would love to learn how to draw like them. I plan to start drawing again. I love drawing, I just give up so quickly because I get so frustrated with my lack of talent. But, the only way to change that is to work at it. So that will be something I plan to be working on.

Anyway, that's my update. Oh, I still don't eat red meat! I do eat chicken, turkey, and fish. I decided I couldn't totally go on a meatless diet.

a choice

2008-04-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I've made a choice and I'm hoping I can stick to it. I've decided to become a vegetarian. It's disgusting, to me, to think of what those animals go through. Overcrowding, their beaks and teeth sniped without any painkillers, having to eat feces and ground up meat from other animals, with blood mixed in...plus all the hormones they're injected with. It's unhealthy for them, and for us.

Also, someone mentioned that no animals drink milk after they are done weaning. And they certainly don't drink milk from other animals. Apparently, dairy products are even worse for you than red meat! I'm disgusted. I just don't think I can look at meat and not see a face there.

Not only am I doing it for an environmental, save-the-animals standpoint, I'm doing it for health reasons. People on vegan diets are healthier than people who eat meat. Meat has high fat, high protein, and high cholesterol...all of which is bad. I can get protein by eating veggies and nuts. I can drink Silk instead of reagular milk. I can eat veggie burgers (which I actually like).

It's going to be hard, since I was raised on meat. And I'm sure my dad is going to smirk at me and think I'm being stupid. But it's my choice, and it's a healthier choice. And, most of my friends are vegetarians/vegans. Plus, I already LOVE organic food and I buy it as often as I can. I can make it work, but I need help. I have a t-bone in my freezer at this very moment that I'm going to be giving away, as well as beef, chicken, and pork.

If I want to do it, I'm going to do it cold-turkey! I've been thinking about it for a while now anyway. I've eaten less and less meat as the year has progressed because I just don't have the money. I don't think I'm going to become vegan. I'm going to try to replace as many animal products as I can, but sometimes it's just going to be too hard, I think. But I'm definitely making a lifestyle choice. :)

new home

2008-04-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm tired of efx2. So, I've moved here, once again. Efx2 just isn't the same as it used to be. Keith is completely absent. Kelly disabled her blog and is only doing admin-related stuff....it's just not home since the original went down.

So, if I post anything, it will be here.

As for anything that's going on, we got dumped on by a winter storm Monday night through Tuesday afternoon. Most everything was melted, and now the snow is back. However, it's above freezing so the snow will melt pretty quickly.

I applied for a job back home, since I haven't seen my family since Christmas. The job was funded by a grant to study whether or not residual herbice was working on the invasive Eurasion water milfoil. I would be collecting water samples and, later, soil samples. It was a 12week job, for $11 an hour. However, I didn't even get an interview. They felt it was unfair to the other applicants that I got a phone interview rather than a face-to-face interview. I understand their position. But I was looking forward to that job. So, this summer I will continue working at Holiday Inn. I didn't apply for any internships this summer. I'm in need of money and I can do internships after I graduate.

Speaking of graduation, I had hoped to graduate in December '08. It seems as if I will be graduating in May '09 now. I swear, universities love to keep their students longer than needed for that extra cash...all for 1 class.

posting

2007-11-10T17:18:00.003-08:00

I should post here as I post at efx2, but I can't. One blog is enough. So, if you're interested:

http://mandaj.efx2blogs.com

stressed

2007-09-26T13:33:00.001-07:00

It's been a long day. I'm cranky. I think I'm getting sick. And I have a ton of homework. I want to go grocery shopping. I enjoy that. I love cooking. I suppose if you love cooking, you like shopping for the food too? Maybe. Maybe not.

I realize I'm a fairly bossy person. I don't mean to be. But when it's related to group work and I'm the only one doing any of the work, I suppose I have a right to be bossy. I'm sick of watching my group members sit on their asses while I do all the work. What's more, no one should come crying back to me saying something was done wrong. Then maybe you should fucking do some of the work, asshole! Ugh.

Seriously. They like to rush me along. They're sitting on their butts. No reason they can't help me. It's not just my job. This is why I prefer to work alone. If I screw up, it's my fault and I can take the fall for it. If I work in a group, it should be everyone doing the work, not just one person.

I'm getting fish. Soon, hopefully. I have to buy some pieces for the aquarium yet. I've never had fish before. My roommate last year had a fish and I loved watching it. It was so relaxing. And when I was stressed out, it was a good way to get unstressed. I would rather have a mouse or a dog, or something, but I can't. I can only have fish and I won't risk sneaking another pet in here. I don't want my deposit to be taken away from me.

I have so much crap to do. I'm so tired of school. It's only the 5th week of classes and I'm sick of it already. I have a full course load. 18 credits. 12 of which are biology/geography classes (411, 310, 401) and a modern art class (412). Don't let the numbers fool you. 310 is a bitch of a class. Much harder than the 400 levels. *sigh* Is college right for me? Is it worth it for me to spend all this money and be in debt for the rest of my life? Will I go anywhere? Will I ever get a job after school?

I don't want to work at Holiday Inn for the rest of my life. And my dad dropped out of college and regrets it all the time: I don't want that either. But there are times when it just doesn't seem worth it. I'm not that smart. People can say otherwise, but I'm really not. These tests and all this book reading...I don't remember a damn thing. The things I remember are the things I do. Internships are wonderful. I learned stuff. I understand that. I can do that. But if I don't have the grades, I won't get a job. And I try. I really try.

I'm cranky. Don't mind me.

efx2

2007-09-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

It seems a lot of people are having trouble with efx2 and verification emails. Glad I'm not the only one. I've already decided to move on. I'm not re-creating another friggin blog...I just want to register so I can read 'registered only' blogs, as I have some friends who are 'registered only' and will likely select that option once Keith gets things worked out.

I don't like blogger in that there's not many customization options, but it gets old having to re-create blogs all the time. As long as I can read the ones I normally read, I'm good to go.

Anyway, I've mentioned this verification code thing to Keith several times. It sucks being ignored, especially when you were once a community leader (and made so by Keith himself randomly one day: he must have thought I was an asset), and it sucks to be ignored. I don't ask for much: just to accept me! It's like...just a click of the button? I'm not clogging his inbox or comment box with emails on "How do I do this?" and "How do I do that?" and whatnot.

Gah...well, that's enough for me I guess. I've been evicted from "home," so blogger is my new, less schnazzy, cheaper home I suppose. Hah.

ENVIRONMENTAL science

2007-09-18T14:29:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to sound...harsh, but what is it about environmental science do people not understand? When I tell people I am an environmental science major, they nod their heads like they want to pretend to know what it is, and I ask them about it and they say they really have no idea. ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE. ENVIRONMENT. The environment! It's right there in the name! This means I study soil, geography, climate, organisms, you name it. The ENVIRONMENT. Which is an all-encompassing science, really. I have to take more credits to graduate than a pre-med major. Environmental science is interdisciplinary. Me? I'm more interested in the biological aspects, but I'm also gaining an increasing interest in climate studies.

I can acquire jobs with NOAA, the EPA, World Wildlife Fund, The Park Service, The Forest Service, The DNR, Fish and Game, Fish and Wildlife, with corporations doing environmental impact assessments...really, the possibilities are endless. I am increasingly interested in Antarctica, and would love to go there in the future to do climate studies.

Anyway, it's just irksome to me that people seem to have no clue, when it's right there in the name!

neurotic

2007-09-18T06:52:00.000-07:00

I just took a neurotic test: Are You Neurotic?

I scored a 55: You are slightly neurotic, and fairly enlightened as well.

If I would have taken this test earlier last year, I would have probably been off the charts. Meds do amazing things.

From OK CUPID:

While the medical profession may not use the term "neurotic" anymore, that does not mean that the neurotics of the world have disappeared. No, we are still around, quietly biting our nails, obsessively rearranging our bookcases, and always, always wondering what you think of us. We are high-functioning, mildly OCD, and think the suggestion to "relax" is as laughable as the command "sprout wings and fly."

Although neurotics come in all shapes and sizes (very few that we like), there are a few overarching characteristics which this test will attempt to measure:

General anxiety - This covers pessimism, self-doubt, dread, and other nervousness. A veritable barrel of fun.

Social ineptitude - This covers awkwardness, overanalysis of situations and people, and conversational tools like sarcasm or self-effacement.

Obsessive-compulsive behavior - This covers counting, stacking, obsessing, nail-biting, and all your other favorite habits.

Test results: You scored 45 anxiety, 76 awkwardness, and 63 neuroticism!

You stick out like a sore thumb, with your social awkwardness and mildly neurotic behaviors--but you don't let it get you down! You are The Geek, and are here to prove that people who know the first 1000 digits of pi and try to woo dates by talking about calculators can be happy too! You have friends...and they are probably just as odd as you.

Your low anxiety score implies that you are able to relax, can enjoy the here and now, and have a healthy amount of self-confidence.

Your high awkwardness score implies that you are socially inept, probably stick out from the crowd, and perhaps feel uncomfortable in large groups of people, such as at parties.

Your high neuroticism score implies that you exhibit neurotic behaviors--probably fanatic obsessions, counting compulsions, or other geekish tendencies. You may know every word to LOTR, or draw anime of all your friends.

-->I have to say that I'm highly obsessive about organization. If something isn't organized, I go absolutely bonkers. It's kind of scary and the people I work with kind of look at me like I'm a lunatic sometimes. If it isn't organized, I feel totally stressed out and very anxious.

Also, I used to be obsessed with clean hands: I would wash them over and over and over until they were the exactly cleanliness. After touching most things, I would wash my hands. Thankfully I have grown out of that phase. My hands thank me for it. However, I will never go to a manicurist because my fingers look like shit from biting my nails all the time.

I used to be really bad. I suppose my title: mind of a neurotic mess is a little inaccurate. I used to be highly neurotic. Not so much anymore. However, as soon as I get off my meds, I'll probably go back to that part of my life. My meds are lifesavers. I'm not so ashamed of it anymore. I suffer from chronic dysthymia, and the people I'm close to know it, whereas a few years ago I wouldn't have told anyone about it. When you can tell someone the darkest secret because you can't sit and be afraid of how they will judge you anymore, and they accept you, it's a world of relief. At least I have some people close to me that accept me for who I am.

another new home

2007-09-18T06:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I've decided to give blogger another chance, since wordpress sucks. I can't even design my own template or edit it. From what I've seen here, there is at least that possibility. I have yet to look around much. And I know there are others here from the efx2 community that I hope I can find.

By efx2, hello blogger :(